


Begin Again

by toujours vomir (Starpower)



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-19 05:07:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9420056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starpower/pseuds/toujours%20vomir
Summary: Roxas's life has been reduced to nothing but working for minimum wage at an ice cream parlor and having rough sex with his dead brother's boyfriend. Not a day goes by where he doesn't want the world to end. Then he meets Axel, a guy dying of cancer who teaches him how to live again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title, lyrics, and inspiration are from Begin Again by Purity Ring.

 

* * *

_You be the moon, I'll be the earth_  
_And when we burst_  
_Start over, oh darling_  
_Begin again  
_ _Begin again_

* * *

Roxas feebly felt around in the dark for the light switch. Despite how many times he'd been there, or how long this arrangement has been going on, he just couldn't form the memory. His legs shook and his body ached. He could feel the bruises forming, his blood pooling under his skin to form puddles of wine that would never have enough time to fully heal before they were inflicted again. When he finally found the light switch – to the left, above the toilet, he told himself he'd remember this time – he took a hard look at himself in the mirror before spitting and gagging into the sink, scooping handfuls of water into his mouth and promptly expelling it, trying to remove the taste of cum and shame.

He looked back up, into his big blue eyes – into Sora's eyes – and wondered if there really was a Heaven or Hell. Hell, he figured, couldn't be worse than this. It couldn't be worse than spending your weekends getting violently fucked by your dead brother's boyfriend.

In the mirror, he twisted and turned, inspecting his naked body for marks. A bruise here, a hickey there, lots of scratches, dried blood, finger marks around his neck, a perfect imprint of a hand on his tender ass cheek. He'd cry if he had any tears left. But that well had dried up long ago.

A light knock on the door caused him to jump, his heart beating like a hummingbirds wings. "Roxas?" The soft voice called out to him. It was weird how someone who could inflict so much harm on him could still manage to make his voice sound like honey. "Everything alright in there?"

"Yeah," he managed to croak out, hating how pathetic he sounded. He turned off the sink and sighed. In the mirror, he could see his brother shake his head in disappointment in the reflection of his own face. He hated how alike they looked. If Sora knew what was happening, who would he be more disappointed in, him or Riku?

* * *

"What happened to your neck?" Olette asked him on Monday as he got into the passenger seat of her yellow '93 Camry with tired eyes and slumped shoulders.

"I got mugged," Roxas deadpanned. He pulled down the sun visor to inspect himself in its small mirror. He tried to cover the finger-shaped bruising along his neck with concealer he bought from the drugstore the previous night, but the color was wrong and they were even more noticeable.

She turned to him, eyebrows knitted in concern with her pink lips agape. "Christ, really? Are you alright? Did they get anything?"

"Nah," he dismissed with a casual wave of his hand, "I was walking along the beach at night, nothing on me but my house keys, and they grabbed me and roughed me up because I didn't have anything." He shrugged. "No big deal, really."

"You seem to get roughed up a lot." She added lightheartedly, "I guess you've just got a face people don't like." In truth, she worried a lot for him, since more often than not, he showed up to work on Monday with injuries and a laundry list of excuses she pretended to believe.

Olette was Roxas's coworker down at the ice cream parlor by the shore. She was a good-natured girl. Roxas didn't drive anymore, and since Olette didn't live too far from his apartment complex, she offered to take him to and from work. Even when their schedules differed, she'd still go out of her way to taxi him. Roxas assumed Olette had feelings for him. He often fantasized about how easy a relationship with her would be. She smelled like vanilla and Roxas found that fitting. But, in the end, Roxas's life was never easy.

When they pulled up to the pastel pink and blue building, a giant inflatable ice cream cone man on the roof serving as a beacon, and they both steeled themselves for yet another day of screaming children and forced smiles. It had been Sora who recommended Roxas work at the ice cream parlor. He could still remember the day they drove by, a help wanted sign on their door, when Sora turned to him and said, "Imagine how fun it would be to work at the ice cream shop." Sora loved ice cream. His favorite was a peach cone with gummy bears and M&Ms mixed in, which Roxas found utterly disgusting. He preferred the sea salt ice cream popsicles. Another thing that separated them.

Roxas was too busy reminiscing when a couple of customers strolled in. He was spinning a quarter from the tip jar on the countertop, idly flicking at it and watching it turn and turn and turn until it fell over. 'If it's heads, I'll tell Riku to go fuck himself', he thought, but then it landed on tails. 'If it's tails, I'll quit my job.' Then it landed on heads. 'If it's heads, I'll go home and visit Sora'. This time it landed on heads again, and Roxas let out a huff.

"Uh, are you gonna take our order or just sit there like a zombie?" One of the pair of customers loudly asked, breaking Roxas from his reverie. He was a tall freak of nature, with blazing red hair, a cocked hip, and a smirk dancing on the corners of his thin lips. Beside him was a small dark-haired girl who let out a chuckle.

Roxas immediately turned to see if Olette was there next to him, but then he remembered she was on her break. "Sorry," he said, tossing the quarter back in the jar and pulling on a fresh pair of plastic gloves. "Welcome to Mr. Swirl's, best ice cream around," he recited half-heartedly, "What can I get for you today?"

The guy leaned his lanky body on the glass case over the ice cream flavors, carefully inspecting them. "Shit, I dunno. What would you recommend to someone who was going to die in a couple months?"

That got Roxas's full attention. His bored, half-lidded eyes were suddenly open and interested. "You're… dying?"

"He's got the Big C," the girl said, no hint of emotion in her voice, as she scanned the menu behind him.

"Yep," the redhead affirmed. "Pancreatic cancer. The shit that killed Steve Jobs. Now, about that ice cream…"

Roxas didn't know what to say. He didn't know the guy, yet he came in and announced he was dying. He felt sad but only out of the weird emotional obligation people possess. "I'm sorry," Roxas uttered, not sure if he meant it or not.

"What do you have to be sorry for? Didya give me cancer?" He let out a hearty laugh. "It's fine, kid. I don't mind. Everyone has been so much nicer to me since they found out I'll be dead soon. Even my pops, and my pops hates my guts. My good friend Xion," he motioned to the girl, "on the other hand keeps busting my chops."

"That's because you're not supposed to die yet, you stupid asshole."

"See?"

The girl, Xion, frowned and punched the redhead in the arm. "Axel, just pick your ice cream so we can go. We have a lot more to do before you keel."

Roxas raised his eyebrow. "Getting shitty ice cream is on your bucket list?"

"I've never had ice cream before," Axel said with a shrug. Before Roxas could ask, he added, "I have horrible lactose intolerance. Any dairy will have me sitting on the toilet writhing in pain for hours while my insides liquefy and seep out the burning ring of fire known as my asshole. So, in a way, shitty ice cream is about to be literal."

"Why do you want ice cream then?"

"Because whatever pain I go through later won't trump the pain of entering the pearly gates without ever tasting ice cream. So now you get to put your ice cream expertise to the test and suggest a flavor of ice cream that will be both my first and my last. It better be fucking good, too. No fat-free or low-sugar bullshit. I want the full ice cream experience."

Roxas pondered for a second. Vanilla and chocolate were too boring. But he didn't know anything about this Axel dude. He didn't know if he liked fruit or candy, whether he was a sweet or savory kind of guy. Nothing. Just that he'd die soon. "I really don't know what you like," he said.

"Well, what's _your_ favorite ice cream?"

"Sea salt pops. It's not really the full ice cream experience though, with the cone and all that. It's just a popsicle." He turned to the freezer behind him and pulled out one of the packages and slid it across the counter. Axel picked it up and inspected it. "The sticks have awful jokes on them."

He ripped open the plastic to be presented with a bright blue stick of ice cream. "What's it made of?"

"Uh, like heavy cream, sea salt, and a fuck ton of blue food coloring, I imagine. It looks a little weird, but I enjoy them a lot. And they're not very common."

Axel gave the popsicle a tentative lick. Roxas and Xion watched the expression on his face go from a blank stare to a toothy grin before he went for another lick. "Hey, this is delicious!" He exclaimed, holding it out for Xion to taste. She bit off a corner and nodded in agreement. "You have good taste there," he squinted at his nametag, "Roxas."

"I want my own," Xion said. So Roxas pulled another one out and gave it her. The store was empty aside from the three of them, so Roxas didn't see the harm in eating one himself. He pulled off his gloves and leaned against the counter, listening to Axel and Xion chat animatedly between licks and bites, as he nursed his own sea salt ice cream. He remembered the summers he would spend on the beach with Sora and their parents, and how his dad would always buy them sea salt pops. He figured he should call his parents soon. They already lost one child, they shouldn't feel like they lost the other, too.

Xion suddenly let out a groan. "This joke is so stupid!"

Axel, who hadn't quite finished his ice cream yet, quirked his eyebrow at her. "Well, let's hear it."

"Okay, okay. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?" Roxas already knew the punch line since he'd gotten it on a popsicle stick before but he didn't say anything.

"How many?"

"Ten-tickles," She deadpanned. Then they both burst into laughter.

"Hey, Roxas, what's the joke on your stick?" Axel asked after he and Xion had calmed down.

Having eaten so many sea salt pops and reading so many of the corny jokes over the years, Roxas had been neglecting reading his sticks. He looked down and read it out loud. "What did the duck say to the bartender?"

"What?"

"Put it on my bill."

Xion and Axel had another fit of laughter. "These are great!"

"Hurry up and finish your ice cream so you can tell us your joke," Xion said.

"But it's so good and I want to savor it. What if they don't have sea salt ice cream in Heaven?"

"Pft." Xion rolled her eyes. "Like you're going to Heaven."

Ignoring her, Axel bit at his popsicle. When he was finished, he looked up from his stick with a perplexed expression. "Oh, this one doesn't have a joke," He said, the disappointment in his voice evident. "It just says 'winner'. But clearly I'm a loser if I didn't get a fun joke."

Roxas perked up. "You got a 'winner' stick? That's lucky." He held his hand out and Axel gave him the popsicle stick.

"What do I win?"

"Another sea salt pop." Roxas went to grab another out of the freezer when Axel grabbed at the sleeve of his baby-blue polo.

"Whoa there, pardner. I can already feel the hellfire burning in my gut. I'm no masochist."

"Then take it home and save it for later?"

"I live halfway across the country. Xion and I came here for the beach. My car doesn't have an ice cream compartment."

"You're sleeping in your car?"

Axel stepped to the side so Roxas had a clear view of the parking lot from the large front windows. He proudly extended his arm towards a dilapidated rusty R.V. parked in the very front. "She's not much, but most of my savings went into buying her."

"It sucks," Xion interjected. "Nothing works. No radio, no air conditioning, nothing. I'm honestly surprised it has lasted this long. We're from North Dakota. But Axel figured he should spend the rest of his days on the Florida beaches before his ascension, like the old people do, so I agreed to subject myself to sweaty sleepless nights. Plus, he wants to go to Sea World. His favorite animals are manatees," she shrugged. Beside her, Axel nodded enthusiastically.

"North Dakota, wow," Roxas said. "My family is from Michigan. My, uh, brother and I moved down here for the beaches, too."

"Maybe you guys can show us around sometime," Axel offered, leaning in close enough for Roxas to see little flecks of brown in his ethereal green eyes. "We don't know anyone here."

It had been awhile since Roxas had done anything with anyone, not counting his horrible nights with Riku. "Sure, why not." For the first time in a long time, he felt like he had something to look forward to. "How does this weekend sound?"

Axel and Xion looked to each other, in case either of them wanted to object. "Sounds good," Axel said with a grin. He reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out a wallet. He thumbed through what looked like quite a bit of money before slapping a $50 bill on the counter.

"Oh… We can't make change for anything more than a twenty, sorry," he said sheepishly.

Axel laughed. "Then put the rest towards your ice cream and a tip. Today you've graduated from ice cream boy to ice cream man." He looped arms with Xion who shot Roxas a small thankful smile before they turned and walked out the door. "See ya, Roxas!"

Roxas didn't know what to do or say, so he just watched them leave with a surprised expression. It wasn't until he watched the R.V. pull off that he realized the sticky 'winner' stick was still in his hand.

* * *

Friday came along and Roxas went to work as usual. He hadn't seen Axel or Xion all week so he figured they'd come in today to finalize their weekend plans. But they never showed.

"Are you waiting for someone?" Olette asked him at one point, noticing he was spending a lot of time watching out the window.

"Huh? No," he told her. "Who would I be waiting for?"

Roxas only worked half-days on Saturdays. He hated himself for not mentioning that to them. Olette worked a full day though, so she'd tell him if people came looking for him. Right?

They never showed. Roxas sighed sadly as he clocked out for the day. They weren't quite friends or anything, but it was still something to do. Something better than…

* * *

Roxas grunted, sweat dripping down his face, as Riku pounded into him with blind desperation. A hand gripped at the back of his hair, forcing his face down onto the bed.

It was a typical Saturday night.

Riku and Sora were together for three years, which simultaneously feels like a long time and not long at all. Roxas always thought Riku was a nice guy. He had a good job with a web design company that his uncle owned, and he had a beach condo in his name that had new appliances and Ikea furniture that he paid for himself. But most importantly, he made Sora happy. When Roxas and Sora moved away from their family, a lot of the light in his being flitted, despite the perpetual summer suns.

"It's lonely here," Sora had sadly said the second the two of them first entered their shared apartment. It was small and inexpensive, the only furniture being whatever was left behind by the previous tenant who must've been a smoker judging by the yellowed blinds and the cigarette burns on the gaudy floral sofa.

"Don't be lonely," Roxas told him, slinging an arm over his shoulder. "A roach just ran by. He's here for you."

They shared a laugh and started to unpack their boxes.

Their first day of university, Sora met Riku in his psychology course, and it was like the flame in his heart was re-ignited. "He's the coolest person I've ever met," He told Roxas over lunch in the dining hall. "And he's gorgeous. His eyes are like the sea."

And people tend to underestimate the sea.

Nails were dug into Roxas's narrow hips. He suppressed a pained hiss.

"Fuck," Riku groaned into the dark room. "You're so sexy, Sora."

When the lights were off and Roxas was bent over Riku's king size platform bed, he didn't exist. In that moment, he was Sora. Like an alternate universe where it was him that died, and his twin brother was still living his happy-go-lucky life, living with Riku and finishing his degree.

Roxas spent a lot of time thinking it should've been him that died. He was single and depressed, a college drop-out who worked at an ice cream parlor and never had many friends. The few he made at university lost touch with him when he stopped going, and he had a pile of student loans from the year and a half he did attend. Sora, on the other hand, was the golden child. With a full-ride scholarship and a bright smile that illuminated the room. He was always the better twin, the one people naturally gravitated towards and adored. He was smarter, taller, better looking. Roxas wondered if their parents sometimes thought he should've been the one that died, too.

Riku came inside him with a grunt. After collapsing next to him, trying to catch his breath, he wrapped his arms around Roxas's crumpled frame and pulled him close. "I love you so much, Sora," he whispered, his voice wavering. Then came the fingers around Roxas's throat. "How could you leave me? You promised we'd be together forever." The sobs came and his grip loosened, allowing Roxas to once again breathe. Sometimes he wished Riku wouldn't let go.

This started about half a year ago, a couple months after Sora's death. Roxas had avoided Riku for so long, simply because he had no idea what to say to him. The only thing they had in common was now buried six feet under in a cemetery in Michigan. But one night as he was sitting alone in his apartment, he remembered Sora had a stuffed Winnie The Pooh that he must've taken to Riku's when he moved in with him. It was from his childhood and he loved the ratty thing. Roxas decided he wanted it. He needed a tangible reminder.

He took a bus up to Riku's condo, which he had only been to a handful of times over the years. He hadn't seen him since Sora's funeral service. When he opened the door, Roxas could tell Riku wasn't okay. He had lost a lot of weight, most of which was muscle, and his usually combed hair was scraggly and hanging over his eyes, the turquoise offset by the deep purple bags beneath them. When he first looked at Roxas, his eyes lit up, but dimmed just as quickly when he realized that it was just Roxas, and not his boyfriend back from the dead. "Roxas?" He said slowly. "Hey. Hi. What's up?"

"Sora's fat yellow bear," was all Roxas could squeak out. It felt wrong to be there.

"Sor—" The name got caught in his throat. "His Pooh bear," he said, knowing exactly what Roxas wanted. "It's on my bed. I'll go grab it. You, uh. You can come in." He stepped to the side and beckoned him in.

Not wanting to stand outside in the humidity, he took him up on his offer.

Once he was inside, he regretted it. Along the walls, perched on end tables, and covering the shelves were tons of photos of Riku and Sora, evidence of the love they shared. Wherever he looked, Sora was there, smiling brightly. Roxas knew it had to be hard to lose your significant other, but he didn't feel the pain justified the obsession. He and Sora had shared a womb and grew up together, but he didn't feel the need to surround his surfaces with those memories. In fact, Roxas didn't feel much of anything those days.

"Are you thirsty? I only have water and wine but you're welcome to either."

"I'm good."

"Yeah… Okay, I'll go get the bear. Be right back."

Roxas helped himself to the sofa, plopping down and trying to avoid the hundreds of blue eyes on him. He kind of wished he had accepted the wine. On the end table next to him there was a small frame. He reached over and picked it up, inspecting the glossy photo inside of it. It was Sora and Riku in front of Cinderella's Castle at Disney World, their cheeks pressed to together and big smiles on their lips. He couldn't remember ever feeling as happy as they looked.

After about fifteen minutes, Roxas was starting to wonder how long it took to grab a stuffed animal. He thought maybe Riku misplaced it, and if that was the case, he was going to go off on him for being so careless with something Sora loved so much. He stood up and walked towards the closed door of the bedroom, only to hear sobs on the other side. Roxas let out a sad sigh and let himself in.

Riku was cross-legged on his unmade bed, the Winnie The Pooh cradled in his arms. Roxas noticed clothes strewn about the room and recognized them as Sora's, including a black shirt that belonged to him that he had lent him a year ago. Riku didn't seem to care that he now had an audience for his emotional breakdown and sucked back what sounded like a gallon of snot, his tears rolling off his chin and onto the faded fabric of the bear's head.

"You look so much like him," Riku cried. "It brought forward a lot of feelings I've been trying to hold back. And the bear… The bear… I'm sorry."

Roxas had been surrounded by so much crying lately that he was usually numb to it, but he couldn't help but to feel a pang of sadness for Riku, and how much grief his mere existence must cause him. He walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. "You can hold onto the bear, you give it a better home I could ever hope to," he said. "And I'm sorry for bothering you."

"You're not bothering me, Roxas. I'm glad to see him again." He smiled despite the still-flowing tears. Roxas tried to force a smile to mirror Riku's, but his face muscles wouldn't cooperate. Riku set the Pooh bear to the side and slid off the bed, finding a towel among the garments on the floor that he wiped his face on. He walked back over towards Roxas, staring at him intently. "I never truly realized just how alike you guys look," he said quietly, almost to himself.

Roxas hated being compared to Sora all the time, but it was par for the course. "Yeah," he said, looking down at his twiddling thumbs. He then felt a harsh grip on his jaw which forced him to look up and over into Riku's sea eyes, only they seemed more virulent than usual, like how the ocean looks before a heavy storm. And then Riku's lips were on his as he forced his weight on top of him. Roxas tried to push him away but couldn't find the strength. Riku's hands were all over him, grabbing at him as if he was going to disappear, his tongue aggressively exploring every crevice of his cracked lips and dry mouth.

"You taste like him, too," Riku said when he pulled away to take a breath.

At some point, Roxas gave up. He laid flat as Riku peeled his clothes off and dragged his lips and teeth all over his body. He figured there couldn't be anything wrong with feeling just an iota of the love that Sora felt.

Except this wasn't love, this was pure hatred. And yet, he kept coming back.

* * *

"Happy Monday!" Olette greeted when Roxas got into her car.

"No Monday is a happy Monday," he told her, taking a sip of coffee out of his thermos. His body hurt. He wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed with a bottle of vodka and Vicodin. "Most suicides happen on a Monday, you know."

She crinkled her nose. "Morbid," she said. "Got any fun facts that are actually fun?"

"Necrophilia is legal in Arizona."

When they pulled into the ice cream shop's parking lot, Roxas noticed the rusted R.V. from last week parked right in the front. He frowned while Olette mumbled to herself about how she couldn't believe someone wanted ice cream at a little before eight in the morning. Leaning against the front door was Axel.

Roxas got out of the car before Olette could even put it in park. Axel lit up when he saw him. "Hey! Ice cream man!" He exclaimed, holding his hand out for a high five. "How's it hanging?" But Roxas ignored him and went right to unlocking the door. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who pissed in your Cheerios?"

Olette walked up and said, "He's not a big fan of Mondays."

"He was perfectly fine last Monday," he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You're in the way," Roxas deadpanned. "I need to get in there so I can do my job."

"Okay, okay. Relax. Geez." He got off the door and stood back by Olette. "I'm sorry about the weekend by the way, we kind of lost track of time. This weekend is completely open though."

"Oh, are you and Roxas friends?" She eyed Axel curiously. As far as she knew, Roxas didn't really have friends.

"Yeah, totally."

"No, we barely know each other. This is Axel, he's a customer from last week." Roxas opened the door and let them all in. "I was going to show him and his girlfriend around."

"Not my girlfriend. My girl friend. Xion isn't my type. Mostly because she doesn't have a dick."

"Charming," Roxas grumbled, reaching behind the counter for his apron and nametag. "So, what are you doing here? I thought you weren't a masochist."

Axel laughed at his words being thrown back at him. "I mean, I'm not. But surprisingly, the ice cream didn't upset my stomach at all. I think my body is so preoccupied with the cancer that it forgot about my lactose intolerance."

"You have cancer?" Olette asked him. "I'm so sorry. I had a uncle that died of lung cancer. He smoked right until it killed him."

"My kind of guy." Axel grabbed a chair from on top of one of the tables and sat down in it backwards so he could drape his spindly arms over the back. "You might as well die doing what you love."

"So how are you going to die?" Roxas asked him, his previous anger at being sold out dissipated, mostly because he was reminded that Axel was, in fact, dying.

Axel scratched at his temple, letting out a throaty 'hmmm'. "You know, I haven't given it much thought. Guess I'll just keep living my life how I'm living it now and I'm sure I'll die doing something I at least sort of enjoy. Like snorting coke off a stripper's ass or eating that blue ice cream with the awful stick jokes. Which reminds me, I do believe I am a winner."

Roxas went into the freezer and grabbed a sea salt popsicle, tossing it to him.

Olette smiled at the exchange and started doing her daily morning duties because she actually took a little pride in her job. Roxas, on the other hand, let out a loud yawn and leaned against the counter with no intentions of doing anything until his shift started in ten minutes. "So, what is it exactly you want me to show you and your girl friend."

"Xion," Axel reminded him.

"Yeah, Xion."

"Well, is there, like, cool places where movies or murders took place? I don't know, man. You live here, not me."

"It's kind of boring and quiet around here," Olette admitted. "There's not much to do. Especially now. It's August, it's dead around here because it's the awkward time between summer break and when the snowbirds come down."

"Snow birds? Like, penguins and shit?"

Roxas suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. "No, snowbirds are the rich people from like Canada and stuff who come down to their second homes here when it gets too cold where they live."

"Shit, man. Am I a snowbird? I mean, I'm here because of cancer, not the cold. But it does get kinda cold in North Dakota. And my R.V. is like my second home."

"No, you're just a guy dying of cancer," Roxas said.

* * *

For the next couple weeks, Axel came into the ice cream parlor almost every day. Sometimes with Xion, sometimes alone. He would sit around and eat sea salt pops and read the jokes out loud for everyone in the shop to hear. Usually, Roxas would talk to him, but sometimes he got busy and Axel would have to entertain himself by walking up to random customers and striking up a conversation. Watching how confident and shameless he was, Roxas wondered if he'd always been like that or if the fact he'd be dead soon made him fearless.

Axel really grew on him, and his presence made him feel… not as miserable as he usually felt. Xion was a nice addition to his antics, but she never really said much. Roxas got the impression that she didn't want to come to terms with the fact she was going to lose her friend soon.

"Hey Roxas," Axel said one day, sucking on a chocolate milkshake. He remained so thin despite his constant consumption of sweets, Roxas attributed it to his illness. "You want to do something this Saturday night? Xion doesn't want to do anything because she's on her period or something, so it'll just be you and me."

Beside him, Xion stuck her tongue out at him.

Roxas was in the midst of refilling napkin containers and he hesitated for a second. "Saturday night? That's not good for me."

Axel quirked his eyebrow. "You gotta hot date or something?"

"No, I just have… this… uh, thing."

"Ah, shit," Axel said, slamming his cup on the table. "You moonlight as a prostitute, don't you?"

"What?"

"You can't be making much money working in this joint, so you hav'ta make ends meet by selling your small supple body." He held his hands up in mock surrender. "It's cool, man. I don't judge."

Despite himself, Roxas laughed. He didn't know if it was because of the absurdity of it or the fact that what he actually did was akin to prostitution, just without the monetary gain. Which made him once again ask himself why he subjected himself to getting fucked by Riku. But, like every other time he questioned himself, he came to the same conclusion: he had nothing better to do.

Axel watched him carefully, observing the range of expressions on his face, trying to read him. "What are you thinking about, Roxas?" He asked him.

"We can do something Saturday night," he said. "I don't drive, so you'll have to pick me up from my apartment."

"Well, Xion is going to have the R.V. for the night, so how about we just hang out at your place and order food and watch a movie or something?"

"Oooh," Xion piped up. "Sounds romantic."

Axel slapped at her arm. "Eat my ass," he told her.

"Sounds fine by me," Roxas said. "The food and movie thing, not the eating ass thing."

* * *

Saturday night, there was a knock on door of Roxas's apartment. He still lived in the same place he and Sora once shared when they first moved to Florida four years ago, and it still looked almost the same as it did then, with the same old furniture and a lack of personal touch. Roxas, who had been sitting on the couch for the past half hour anxiously awaiting Axel's arrival, quickly jumped up and undid the three locks and security chain to let him in.

"Hi," Axel greeted. Instead of his usual tank tops and t-shirts, he was wearing a red flannel button-down and black jeans that were way too hot to wear during the day, a case of beer under his arm. "Show me around your casa."

It was the first Saturday night in a while that Roxas cancelled on Riku. When he got home from work, he called him from his landline and told him not to pick him up because he had other plans. Riku didn't say much, just a distant 'uh-huh'. Over the phone, it was impossible to see Sora in Roxas since they didn't sound alike at all, and Roxas wanted to know what Riku was thinking. Did he ever wonder why he spent his Saturday nights hate-fucking Roxas?

"It isn't much," Roxas said, beckoning Axel into the living room. The couch was covered in blankets and pillows because Roxas had been sleeping on it since he got home from Michigan after Sora's funeral, but Axel must've thought they were put there for their movie-fest because his eye lit up and he threw his lanky body on top of them, the bottles in the beer case clanging against each other. "The bathroom is over here, and the bedroom is in here. The kitchen is just this little area over here, you can put the beer in the fridge. No table, so I hope you don't mind eating on the couch. It's small, but it's home."

"I like it," Axel said with a grin. "It's better than the R.V. and shitty motels we've been staying in."

"I have a few movies under the TV if you want to see what I have. There's a Blockbuster down the street we can walk to if there's nothing here you're interested in. And I also compiled a bunch of delivery menus from around the area, so you can pick whatever you want."

"I am a sucker for greasy Chinese food," he said.

They settled on the couch with their Styrofoam boxes of lo mein and kung pao chicken, watching some slasher film Roxas had gotten for Christmas some years ago and never touched. Spending time with Axel was effortless. Maybe because he'd be dead in a month and any embarrassing moments or judgmental thoughts would die along with him, or maybe because he was just a genuinely laid back and fun dude. Whenever someone on screen got chopped to bits or exploded in a bloody mess of guts, they'd burst out laughing, their mouths full of sodium-doused food. After the credits began to roll and their dinner was discarded, Axel excused himself to the bathroom.

Roxas was poking around his other movies, smiling to himself. He decided on some eighties classic before downing the last of his third bottle of beer and got up to grab another from the fridge. In the small kitchen alcove, he glanced down the small hallway to see that the bathroom was open and empty. With his brows furrowed, he abandoned the beer and bottle opener and walked towards his bedroom.

The light was on and Axel was looking around at the dust-covered stuff. "Do you not come in here?" Axel asked him.

"This isn't the bathroom," Roxas spat, feeling like his trust was violated. "You're not supposed to be in here."

"You have two beds?" Roxas followed Axel's line of sight the to the two double beds on either side of the far wall. One of them, of course, had been Sora's. It still had his blue bedding on it, completely untouched by time and circumstance. In fact, a lot of Sora's stuff was around the room. Stuff he didn't want to take to Riku's but didn't want to get rid of. An old piggy bank, some sneakers, a hoodie that was hung on the back of the door. "Oh," Axel finally said in realization, "You said you have a brother, right?"

"Had," Roxas corrected.

"Oh shit, I'm… Fuck. I'm sorry."

The blond sighed, pushing his hair out of his eyes. He couldn't be mad. "It's okay, you couldn't have known. But yeah, this was his bed, and that was mine. I don't come in here. It's weird, you know? I just sleep on the couch and leave my clothes in the hall closet." He didn't know why he was admitting this to him, but he was.

"If you don't mind me asking…"

"Car accident," Roxas said quickly.

"Shit."

"Yeah. Last December. He was my twin. It should've been me who died, but it wasn't, and it sucks." He shrugged his shoulders. "Oh well. What can you do?"

"Why should it have been you?"

"Because I was driving."

Axel's shoulders slumped and his eyes were cast downward. "That's rough," he said. "But that doesn't mean you should've died. Don't think that way."

Roxas scoffed. "Yeah, whatever. Anyway, you want to watch another movie or—"

"I'll be dead soon," he said suddenly. "Do you know what that's like? I doubt it, just like I don't know what it's like to lose a brother. But I do know one thing, life is fuckin' precious. I never had much of an appreciation for it until recently."

"Okay, I'm sorry."

"Can I tell you a secret, Roxas?"

"What?"

"Despite how precious life is, I'm still kind of happy to die. So I know where you're coming from." He closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around him. Roxas flinched at the touch, having not felt a gentle one in months. Axel noticed but didn't say anything. "The best thing about dying is you have nothing to lose. Treat every day like you'll be dead soon."

Taking Axel's advice, Roxas looked up and said, "I want you to fuck me."

It was then Roxas realized why he let Riku do whatever he wanted to him. Because he didn't know how to cope any other way.

* * *

On the couch, Axel fucked him from behind. It wasn't very different from Riku, it was rough and desperate and it made Roxas feel objectified. But that's exactly what he wanted. He didn't want to be Roxas. He wanted to be someone or something else, like an abstract concept, far away from reality.

Axel panted, sounding like he was really struggling to finish the job. They'd been going at for what felt like forever, and Roxas was wondering what was taking him so long to cum. The lights were off, and they were only illuminated by the blank blue screen on the television. They shared no words, just groans and grunts, until Roxas looked behind him and asked if he was okay.

"Mm'fine," he heaved. "I just… I need a moment. I'm not as spry as I once was." He pulled out and collapsed backwards against the arm of the couch. "I was worried I wouldn't last because I haven't had sex since I was diagnosed. Surprisingly, not a lot of people want to fuck a guy with cancer." He let out a dry laugh. "Looks like I have the opposite of that problem now."

Roxas picked up the roll of paper towels he brought by the couch while they were eating dinner and unraveled a couple sheets so he could wipe the lube and sweat out of his ass crack.

"I'm sorry, Roxas. I can make you cum though." He reached out and stroked his back gently.

"It's fine, you don't have to do that," Roxas said, flinching away from the touch. He got up to throw away the paper towels and turn on the light.

"You do this a lot, don't you?"

"What?"

"Have sex with guys you're not in a relationship with."

"Are you accusing me of being a sleaze?" Roxas wanted to be offended, but he didn't have it in him.

"When I asked if you were a prostitute, it wasn't entirely a joke. You're always covered in bruises. When I first met you, you had marks on your neck from being choked. And even now, I can see old bruises and scratch marks on you."

"I'm not a prostitute. Just a piece of shit." He untangled his boxers from the clot of blankets on the floor and yanked them over his hips. "It's just one guy, not many. And I don't get paid. If you were really concerned I was a whore, why did you fuck me without a condom?"

"Because a little chlamydia and HIV won't matter in a month."

"You know, there's something I just don't understand. I've seen people with advanced cancer, they're bald from chemotherapy and usually go through many surgeries. Meanwhile you're here with your full head of hair and probably haven't stepped foot in a hospital since you got here. What gives?"

"Why fight the inevitable?"

"Wait, wait, wait." Roxas held up his hand. "Are you telling me you got diagnosed and just resigned yourself to the fact that you're gonna die?"

"Basically. The doctor told me I had maybe half a year to live without treatment, and that sounded good enough for me. My mom had breast cancer, they cut her tits off and pumped so many chemicals into her that made her so sick and miserable. And guess what? She died. The last few years of her life were spent in agony, not because of the cancer, but because of all the shit they did to her to try and fix it. I don't want that. I don't want them to fill me with radiation and cut me open. If I'm going to die, I'm going to die."

"You're a fucking moron!" Roxas yelled at him. His neighbor next door pounded on the wall and yelled to keep it down. He lowered his voice down, but it still dripped with anger. "There's a possibility they could've saved you, Axel. You don't have to just roll over and let yourself die."

"Pancreatic cancer is one of the most lethal cancers, even if they catch it early." He shrugged. "Look, I've already mulled on it and sometimes I regret not taking action, but this is the choice I made. I can't eat without throwing it all back up, I'm in constant pain, my body is weak, I don't want to be barely kept alive so I can feel this way and worse until I finally waste away on life support."

"You've been puking after eating…"

"Yeah. I can't hold anything down. I've lost so much weight that I'm starting to look skeletal."

Roxas frowned. "You've been eating the ice cream because you immediately puke it back up."

"Yeah, it's both a blessing and a curse. Throwing up everything sucks, but being able to come into Mr. Swirl's and have an excuse to get to know you has been great."

"You kept coming back for me?"

"Of course. I like you, Roxas. I like you a lot, even if you are a little apathetic and weird."

"Thanks, I guess."

Axel got up, still naked, and began the search for his clothes. "Do you actually like me? Or did you want me to fuck you because you've got a cancer fetish?"

Roxas chewed on his bottom lip. "I do like you," he admitted. "This is the most fun I've had since Sora died."

"Sora was your brother, yeah?"

He nodded. "Sora was my best friend, too. And I never appreciated him. In fact, I spent a lot of time hating him for being better than me."

"What makes you say he was better than you?"

"He just was."

* * *

Roxas was back on all fours, Riku pounding at him with no abandon. And it wasn't even a Saturday.

After the Saturday night spent with Axel, Roxas had a lot of pent up emotions, so many that he didn't know what to do with. So, he called up Riku Sunday morning.

"Hey, it's me," Roxas said into the phone, "You want company?"

In the awkward, usually quiet car ride to the condo, Riku asked him what his other plans had been. Watching his own knees quake, Roxas wondered why he felt like he had done something wrong. "A friend came over," he told him, trying to sound as blasé as possible. "We watched a couple movies and ordered Chinese. Nothing too special."

"A girl?" Riku asked.

Roxas shook his head.

"Did you sleep together?" He asked, as if that was the natural progression of conversation.

Roxas hesitated. He didn't know why he felt guilty. "Um, no. It wasn't like that. He's got cancer," he said, as if that explained everything.

"Cancer?"

"Yeah, you know, the Big C." He swallowed hard. "He'll be dead in a few weeks."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

And so, he fucked Roxas like usual. Except it was different in that it was barely the afternoon, and Roxas could see stripes of the blue sky through the vertical blinds in the window. This meant that the room was bright, and that there was no room for imagination. But this didn't sway Riku. He made Roxas suck him off and swallow him cum while he looked him in the eyes. Maybe Sora's eyes was all it took.

Roxas was back in the bathroom. Despite trying to remember, he couldn't find the light switch. He told himself he'd remember this time for sure. In the mirror, he proceeded with the ritual of examining his marks, pressing on them to gauge their pain and freshness. The door knob turned and Roxas quickly twisted around as Riku opened it. He had a sullen look.

"Roxas," he said, stepping in behind him. His pale muscular arms draped over his bare shoulders. He had been working out lately. "You always look so sad."

"Am I supposed to feel good about this?" Roxas asked him, watching his reflection. "Am I supposed to look happy all the time?"

"Well, Sora smiled a lot."

Anger burned at Roxas's throat, clawing at his trachea, cauterizing his insides. "I'm not Sora," he said, his voice low. "I'm _not_ Sora."

Riku pressed his lips into a hard line. "I know you're not. Trust me. But you killed him. The least you can do is pretend."

"What did you just say?" Roxas pulled out of Riku's grip, spinning to face him. His eyes were dark.

"Nothing, Roxas. Come on, let's go back to bed." He reached out to grab his arm, but Roxas snatched it away.

"I didn't kill him," he growled. "I didn't kill him. There was nothing I could do." Tears pooled in his tear ducts but he refused to let them spill out. "Fuck you, Riku. How do you think Sora would feel about what we do, huh? You think you're such a fucking saint?"

Riku hung his head. "Sora would understand," he said. "He'd understand that I can't live without him. But what about you, Roxas? What's your excuse?"

Roxas's body shook in frustration, his eyes drying out as a result of his refusal to blink. They stung, progressively reddening.

"I didn't think so," Riku said bitterly. "Now let's go."

Roxas didn't have the willpower to refuse. He felt this was his divine retribution, the only way he'd be forgiven for the death of Sora. The more Riku hurt him, the more he felt he deserved it. The pain he felt couldn't possibly trump the pain of everyone who loved and adored Sora, and so, he accepted it without a fight.

'I deserve this,' he thought to himself with each rough thrust that felt like it was going to turn him inside out. Every dehumanizing touch, every objectifying name, every bit of inexcusable violence. 'I deserve this, I deserve this, I deserve this.'

* * *

"What did you get Mom and Dad for Christmas?" Sora asked, his immense excitement for the holidays uncontainable. He was sitting in the passenger seat of Roxas's car, the windows down to enjoy a rare and beautiful day of temperatures below 80 degrees.

Roxas, who was pretty indifferent towards the holidays, bunched up his shoulders. "Uh, well…"

"Roxas! You gotta get them something! Riku and I got them a wine rack."

"I hate doing the whole gift thing, you should know this by now. We've only known each other for what? Twenty-two years?"

Sora playfully slapped his arm. "Just get them something small, like new potholders or something."

"Money's kinda tight, can't I just make them a macaroni necklace or a handprint turkey?"

"I mean," Sora chuckled, "If that's what you want to do, go for it."

They drove by the beach, between the restaurants and little boutiques and endless white sands. Even though Sora had moved out a year ago and Roxas stopped going to school, they still spent a lot of time together. In a couple weeks, they were flying back home to Michigan for the holidays with Riku, and even though Roxas was dreading showing back up at his family home more pathetic than usual in contrast to Sora and Riku, his brother couldn't wait. He loved showing off Riku to their parents, who absolutely adored him, and he loved giving gifts and helping Mom in the kitchen when she cooked Christmas dinner.

"That reminds me," Sora said. "I was talking to Riku last night—"

"You don't have to tell me about your guy's pillow talk."

"Shut up. We were talking and Riku was telling me how his uncle is looking for some new employees for his company, and I put in the good word for you. You'll make a lot more money than you're making at the ice cream shop."

"You didn't have to do that, Sora…"

"I know, but I think it'd be really good for you. Even if don't like it, you can just stick it out for a year and it will look really good on your résumé."

Roxas thought about it, and even though change was hard for him, he got excited over the prospect of having a job that didn't involve cold dairy. He only made minimum wage at Mr. Swirl's, and since Sora moved out of their shared apartment and wasn't paying half the rent anymore, money was scarce. He had enough for rent and gas, but frivolities were off the table. It was part of the reason Roxas didn't do anything anymore, and a huge part of the reason he and his friends from university lost touch. There were people his age who worked at the ice cream parlor, but aside from Olette, he didn't talk to any of them. He wasn't very good at making friends.

"You know," he said, "I'd love to work there."

Sora beamed. "The best part is you don't need any schooling, they'll teach you everything you need to know."

"Thanks, Sora."

"No problem! Riku will talk to his uncle soon, you can probably expect to have a new job by the new year. New year, new you. It'll be year of the Roxas."

Roxas laughed as they pulled up to a stop light.

"But seriously, you gotta get Mom and Dad a present. You know how they get."

"Yeah, yeah."

The light turned green and Roxas accelerated. But just as he pulled into the middle of the intersection, a large truck ran the red light and slammed into the passenger's side before he had time to react. Roxas's small sedan was pushed across the intersection, the airbags deploying as the sounds of shattering glass and crushed metal filled the air. He couldn't tell what was happening in all the chaos. Blood poured down his face from where the airbag hit his nose. He groaned, barely coherent, and turned his head towards Sora, only to see a bloody, mangled heap to his right, pieces of the car engulfing his limp body.

"Sora!" Roxas screamed. He fought against the airbag, pushing it away from him so he could turn and try to force the metal off of his brother with no avail. "Sora! Sora! Are you okay? Please, Sora! Talk to me!" He cradled his Sora's battered face in one hand. "Sora! Sora!"

He lept out of the car on weak legs, ignoring the stopped traffic that gathered around them, ignoring the panicked truck driver who was hysterically yelling about how his brakes were faulty. His body ached everywhere, he felt like his he had been hit in the neck with a baseball bat, but that didn't matter. He ran to the other side of the car that was completely concaved, trying in vain to pull open the door to get his brother out. "Someone help!" He yelled, his voice hoarse. "Help me! He's gonna die! Please!"

Sirens wailed in the distance. A few people exited their cars and ran over to Roxas's side to try to help get Sora out, but he was completely crushed within. But Roxas never stopped trying, his fingers getting cut up by the shards of glass and pointy metal bits. Covered in blood and tears, he put all of his energy into trying to help Sora. "Please, Sora! Please! Hang in there! You're gonna be okay! Everything is gonna be okay! They'll get you out of there! Please…"

When the police and paramedics arrived, they had to physically pull Roxas away from the car. He fought against them, kicking and screaming. He wanted to be there for Sora. Despite how much he envied and resented him, he loved him more than anything in the world.

And now he was gone.

* * *

"Good morning, Roxas," Axel greeted him on Monday as soon and he and Olette pulled up. "How was the rest of your weekend?"

"It was good," he lied as he stepped out of the car. "I slept all of Sunday. Nothing exciting." But as soon as he got out of the car, Axel frowned.

"You, uh, got something on your neck."

Roxas's hands instinctively flew up to try to cover the bruises. "Shit," he cursed. "I didn't even notice. Fuck. Olette, do you have concealer in your purse?"

"Did you get mugged again?" Olette asked him with furrowed brows, concern twinkling in her large eyes.

"Mugged?" Axel blurted, not trying to hide the incredulousness in his voice.

"No, I got choked during sex," Roxas deadpanned. "All of my bruises have been from rough sex. But I was too embarrassed to admit it, so I lied. I've never been mugged."

"Shit," Olette said. "That must be some girl."

"Yeah, she's a real hellcat."

They went inside the shop to begin their day. When Olette went into the back to grab the mop bucket, Axel grabbed Roxas by his sleeve and pulled him close. "You slept with that guy again?" He asked him, the hurt evident in his voice. "I mean, we did things, so I figured…"

"That what? I wouldn't have sex with anyone but you?"

"I don't know. Forget about it." He let go of Roxas's shirt and made his way towards the front door. "I'm gonna go. See ya later, Roxas."

Guilt welled up in Roxas's chest. "Wait," he called out. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." His voice dropped. "It was just sex. We barely know each other, Axel."

"I want to know you, Roxas," he said softly.

Roxas chewed on his bottom lip. "Okay," he said. "Then let's get to know each other. Hi, my name is Roxas, I'm a college dropout who works at an ice cream parlor."

"Okay, well, I'm Axel, I have pancreatic cancer, I will be dead soon."

"Cancer is your defining characteristic?" He asked him. "What about before you got cancer?"

"Before cancer, I was Axel, a massive asshole with no regard for anyone or anything. I was angry at the world for taking my mom and leaving me with my dad who was upset I didn't grow up to be the macho jock son he always wanted."

"My dad was the same way. Imagine having twin boys and neither of them liked sports or vaginas."

"Your brother was gay?"

"Yeah. But everyone adored him anyway so it didn't matter. I bet if I was the one who came out, they would've shipped me off to gay conversion camp or something."

"Ah, it was like that, huh?"

Roxas sighed. "Yeah. My parents weren't very fond of me. It was like, they already had the perfect kid. I was just unnecessary excess. Now I'm their only kid, and I'll still be second place behind my brother's memory."

Axel walked away from the door and leaned his thin body against the counter. "Well, I like you."

"For reasons I don't quite understand," Roxas grumbled.

"Because, I dunno, you're different. You're… You're _you_. You're Roxas. That's all it takes."

For some reason, that made Roxas's chest contract. All his life he has been living in Sora's shadow. Everyone he knew had known Sora, had been subconsciously comparing them. Roxas never felt like his own person, just a sidecar to Sora, an adjunct. But Axel wasn't comparing them. He didn't see Roxas as excess, a consolation prize, an off-shoot brand of the real thing. He just saw him as Roxas. And that made him feel, dare he say, happy? Relieved? A smile crept up on Roxas's lips.

"Axel, wanna to go to the beach?"

The redhead turned around towards the front window to look out at the sea and palm trees in the distance. "Sure, when?"

"Right now."

"Uh, don't you have to, like, do your job?"

"Fuck this place. You told me to treat every day like I'll be dead soon. If I'm going to die, I don't want it to be here."

"I mean, yeah, I said that, but…" He stumbled over his words. "I don't want to be responsible for you losing your job. It was more of a motivational metaphor kind of thing. I didn't mean it literally. Bills still need to get paid."

Roxas took off his apron and threw it to the ground just as Olette came from the back with the mop and bucket. She quirked an eyebrow at him. "Everything alright?"

"Come with us to the beach, Olette," he said.

"To the beach? Now? Our shift just started."

"So? It's Monday morning. There's school. No one is going to come in."

Axel quickly interjected, "For the record, I don't condone this."

Olette bent down to pick Roxas's apron off the floor with a soft smile. "Go, Roxas. Have fun. I'll cover."

* * *

The morning sun beat down on them, the warm sand nestling into every crevice of their bodies. They sat just out of reach of the tide, watching the water come in and out, taking and leaving shells and seaweed with each pull. Roxas was rolling up the hems of his khaki pants, tightly pulling them over his knees to expose his shins and bare feet. Next to him, his sneakers sat with his socks tucked inside. Axel was already dressed for the beach, so he just discarded his flip-flops to the side and wiggled his toes towards the water, hoping it would come up just far enough to lap at them.

"I love the beach," Roxas said in the midst of pulling his work polo off. He threw it on top of his shoes. "It's weird, I moved here partially because of the beaches, and yet, I rarely come here. I mean, I literally work right next to the beach and yet I neglect it." Roxas could feel Axel's scrutiny of his bare torso. "Yeah, I know," he grumbled.

"Tell me about this guy," Axel said, trailing his gentle finger tips over a bruise on his side.

"It's Sora's ex-boyfriend."

"Oh," was all he said, as if that didn't just raise more questions. Roxas waited for him to continue to pry, but strangely he didn't.

"You don't want to know more?" He asked him incredulously.

"I mean, I do, but if you don't want to tell me I understand."

"He fucks me and pretends I'm Sora," Roxas continued. "And he gets violent. I don't know if the violence is for me or Sora or a little bit of both. But yeah."

Withholding judgment, Axel asks him, "So, do you like it?"

"At first," he admitted. "At first, I felt like I was… I dunno… Like I had something of Sora's. Sora always got everything he wanted, and for a moment, I felt like I had a slice of that. But it just got worse, and I started hating myself more and more. But I still did it. I never said no. I deserved it. I still deserve it."

"Why do you think you deserve to have someone hurt you?"

"I couldn't save him." Tears welled up in Roxas's eyes but instead of holding them in like he usually did, he let them fall. "A truck ran the red light and hit the passenger side of my car, where Sora was. He was crushed. I tried to pull him out but I couldn't." He sniffled and grabbed his shirt so he could wipe away his tears. "They told me he was likely dead on impact. But what if I could've saved him? What if I could've avoided the truck hitting us?"

"What-ifs are the bane of man," Axel said softly. "I'm sorry that happened to you. But you don't deserve to have some shithead bruise you up. If he really loved your brother, he wouldn't do this."

"I guess the same could be said about me, then."

"No, no, no. You're a victim here, Roxas. He's capitalizing on your guilt about your brother's death and then taking advantage of you. Don't you see that?"

"He loved Sora more than anything. He was my twin brother. We look alike. He just wants to feel like Sora is still here…"

"Stop defending him!"

Roxas closed his eyes. Seagulls cawed in the distance. He thought about the time he and Sora went to the beach with Riku, back when they first started dating. He was very kind, and he brought along beach chairs and a cooler full of food and drinks for them. He remembered him and Riku sitting in the chairs alone while Sora cooled off in the ocean, and Riku turned to him and smiled at him with his perfect white teeth.

When Roxas opened his eyes again he was back in the present, and Axel was looking at him with a concerned expression. "It's none of your business anyway," he said coldly. "I'm done talking about this with you."

"Roxas," Axel pleaded. "I'm just trying to help.

"I don't need armchair psychology from someone who is letting themselves die."

Axel cast his eyes downward at the sand between his toes. "You know, I never wanted to go back on my decision more than I do now."

"Is reality finally setting in for you?"

"No. I just hate that I have such little time to spend with you now."

Roxas's shoulders slumped and he fingered at a tattered bottle cap the beach had claimed. "You're the first person I've been able to really talk to," Roxas admitted, "since Sora died. I just realized you know more about me than I know about you. Sorry, I'm a little self-involved."

"A little?" He scoffed jokingly. "I don't mind. I don't have a lot to say. Xion's going back home soon. We're actually not on the best of terms right now."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"She's in a similar boat to you, she thinks I'm being dumb by not seeking treatment. This whole trip has been her begging me to do something about it, but even if I did, it's far too late. She… She doesn't want to see me dying anymore. She doesn't want to hold me while I writhe in pain or push my hair back while I puke. And, you know, she deserves better. She's a great girl, one of my best friends. I've been selfish."

"So, she's just leaving you?"

"What is she supposed to do? These are supposed to be some of the best years of her life and she's spent the past year humoring her cancer-ridden friend. She came all the way down here with me, enduring all these mosquitos and cucarachas and dealing with my shitty barely-functional R.V. while trying her hardest to make the last of my days the best. We went to Sea World like five times. That's true friendship. But, my days are numbered now. She doesn't want to see that. I don't want her to see that."

"Are you in pain?" Roxas asked meekly.

"Insurmountable. My stomach, my back, my chest, everything. I can't eat or drink, I can't sleep. It takes so much just to get out of bed. As you saw a glimpse of on Saturday, my body is getting weaker. I mean, look at me." Roxas did just that. He turned and looked into Axel's sunken-in eyes, their sheen seemingly dimmer from when Roxas first saw them. His cheekbones were gaunt, his skin seemed lifeless. He was so thin. Thinner than ever. "The cancer has probably spread. I don't know when my body will start completely shutting down, but I can't imagine it's too long from now. I told Xion it would be soon, and she screamed and cried and told me she was going to force me to go to a doctor. So, I told her to leave." He put his arms behind his head and casually yawned before laying back onto the sand.

"It's hard to lose someone you love."

"Trust me, I know."

Roxas remembered Axel's mom, who died of cancer. "Oh, yeah."

A silence hung between them, and only the waves and distant gulls could be heard. The beach was mostly empty, save from some leather-skinned joggers and middle-aged men with metal detectors. Roxas laid next to Axel, the hot sand burning into his bare back. He wondered how he'd feel when Axel died. They'd only known each other for about a month, and Roxas concluded he'd feel sad but wouldn't lose sleep over it. It would just feel like a friend who moved away.

"What're you thinking about?" Axel suddenly asked him.

"Nothing."

Axel scouted for Roxas's hand and laced his fingers through his. "You know, you've made me happy. I'll put in the good word when I'm in Heaven and maybe you'll get something nice, or maybe I'll get referral points. Maybe they have a raffle or something." Roxas untangled their fingers, sat up and loomed over Axel, who squinted at him with curiosity. "Yes?"

Instead of saying anything, he bent down and kissed him. When he pulled away, he watched Axel's expression go from surprise to contentment. "I haven't kissed anyone in years," Roxas said. "I've never actually been in a relationship. A little fun fact for you."

"I was in a relationship with a guy. He was older. He also had a wife and kids. But I didn't know about it until a year in. His wife hired a private investigator and then she confronted me at my job. _That_ was a fun day."

"Well, I only slept with girls, even though I knew I was gay. I thought maybe if I had sex with enough of them, I'd change my mind. It's not that I didn't want to be gay because I was ashamed, I just didn't want to be gay because Sora was gay. I mean, I had to pretend I hated the color blue for most my childhood because it was Sora's favorite and I just wanted to be different. In reality, we had a lot in common."

"You still deserve your own identity."

"Yeah."

"Why did you kiss me, though? I'm not complaining or anything, believe me."

Roxas shrugged. "I felt like it."

"Is there any possibility you feel like doing it again?"

He smiled and went in for another kiss, and this time Axel pulled onto him and he fell into his chest. As they kissed, Roxas realized something really important: when Axel died, he'd be absolutely heartbroken.

* * *

Roxas and Axel returned to the ice cream parlor so they could get the R.V. from the parking lot. Axel got into the driver's seat while Roxas sat co-pilot. He turned around and peered at the interior, tattered cloth seats, rickety cabinets, an old mini-fridge, battered blinds over the windows, and a mattress in the back that looked like it folded back into the wall. "I can see why Xion wasn't fond of this," Roxas said.

"Yeah, that's why we've been basically living at the Super 8 Motel. Similar amenities, but with air conditioning and prostitutes."

It took a few tries to get it going, and when it did, the engine made awful wheezing sounds like it was seconds from combusting. Axel patted the dashboard like he was calming a feisty horse. "There, there. You can do it, girl."

"So, where are we going?" Roxas asked him as they pulled out of the parking lot and the large inflatable ice cream man on the roof started to shrink into the distance.

"I don't know. You said you didn't want to go back to work, so, I was just going to keep driving until we found something to do. I would say we could go back to the motel and load up the bill with pay-per-view, but Xion's probably still sleeping."

"My apartment?"

"Sure."

It was a similar scene as they lounged on Roxas's sofa, a movie playing in the background as they talked. They shared anecdotes from their lives, embarrassing memories, favorite music, whatever popped in their heads.

"…so, next thing I know, I've got cum in my hair. And we're talking a lot of cum, like a quart…"

"…and then I punched him in the face, breaking my hand in the process…"

"…my dad had to pick me up from the police station because I was going around fucking with people's Christmas lawn decorations, making the reindeers hump and stuff…"

"…and that's the story of my first kiss and how I threw up on her shortly after…"

They laughed so hard that their chests ached and they wheezed. In that moment, everything seemed normal. They were just two people having a good time. No one was dead or dying. The sun was out, the shades were open, and the apartment was swathed in a yellow glow. Life was okay. Everything would be okay.

"Roxas," Axel said suddenly, beaming down at him, "you're great. I want to spend every day with you. Is that a weird thing to say?"

"I mean, yeah it is, but…"

"But?"

"But it isn't something I'd object to."

Axel's smile morphed into a large toothy grin as he nuzzled his face into the crook of Roxas's neck. "Is this what it feels like?" He spoke into his warm skin.

"What what feels like?"

"To fall in love?"

Roxas's heart fluttered. "You think you're falling in love with me?" He asked him incredulously.

"Is that a weird thing to say, too?"

"Yes. How could you love me, of all people?"

"Hmmm," Axel stroked at his imaginary beard, "maybe it's because you're a cute ice cream boy with a tragic backstory. Or maybe because I like being around you, hearing your laugh, looking at that weird bean-shaped mole by your left ear." He reached over and thumbed over said mole. "You don't treat me like an invalid. You don't kiss my ass because I have cancer. You treat me like a person, which is something people forget to do when you're dying. To many, you're basically dead when you get the diagnoses. But you, you make feel alive."

Roxas looked down at his feet, his stained old socks staring back at him. "I don't know how I do that when I'm a miserable piece of shit, but different strokes for different folks, I guess."

"See? I'm a miserable piece of shit, too. We can be miserable pieces of shit together, and maybe we'll counteract each other and end up being a happy whole of… whatever the opposite of shit is."

"Piss?"

"Sure. Together we can be a huge glass of happy piss."

"And when you die?"

Reality loomed back over them.

"I won't die, Roxas. Not when you give me so much to live for."

* * *

Roxas never went back to the ice cream parlor. Instead, he stayed at home, watching over Axel whose condition seemed to be steadily worsening. Xion spent a lot of time there as well, and the three of them would try to make the best of out the situation with comedy movies, board games, and upbeat music. This particular day, however, was supposed to be Xion's last day in Florida, and Axel was in a barely conscious heap on the couch with his head in Roxas's lap.

She sighed sadly. "He looks like shit," she said, reaching down to caress the side of his face. "Are we close to the end?"

Roxas chewed on his bottom lip.

"Don't… talk about me… like I'm not here," Axel said, his voice croaky and meek.

"I think he's dehydrated. We should do the water thing again." Without waiting for a response, Xion helped herself to the fridge and pulled out a water bottle. "Here."

Roxas took it, twisting open the top and submerging his index finger in it. He pulled it out and gently glided his wet finger over Axel's bottom lip, leaving a trail of moisture on his dry lips.

Xion paced in the small area, her arms crossed. "I can't just leave when he's like this," she said. "We have to take him to the hospital. He's dying. Like, actually dying."

He looked down at Axel as he retracted his finger. Xion was right. He was dying. For the past week, he didn't do anything but lay on the couch, writhing and hissing in pain, and dry heaving. He wouldn't eat or drink anything, and he barely spoke. But when he did, he was rarely coherent. Prior to that week, he'd been getting weaker, but he could still function. And Roxas decided he would be by his side until the end. Axel made him promise that no matter what happened, he wouldn't take him to hospital because he didn't want to die in one. He wanted to die where he was comfortable, and despite Roxas hesitation and insistence that his small apartment and secondhand couch were in no way fit to spend the last of his days in, he promised.

Roxas tried not to cry. It didn't seem fair that after all he'd been through, the person who he fell in love with would soon leave him, too. It was like the universe was playing some cruel joke on him. He knew what he was getting into with Axel, but somewhere in the back of his mind he hoped that Axel would miraculously pull through and they could live a happy life together.

"I promised, Xion," he said softly. "We have to respect his wishes."

"Roxas, I know you're still riding on the highs of the honeymoon phase and all, but this is someone's life we're dealing with. A person is literally dying on your couch right now. Not just any person, one of my best friends. And if you really do love him, you'll do everything in your power to try to help him."

Axel groaned in assumedly protest, but he was unable to speak. Roxas put more water on his finger and dipped it into Axel's mouth to moisten his tongue, ignoring the uncomfortable limp feeling of it. The tongue that not too long ago was delving in and out of his own mouth. But this was the only way they could hydrate him since he couldn't seem to swallow anymore.

"There's nothing they can do if his organs are failing."

"Oh, are you a doctor? Last I checked, you were a fucking ice cream scooper."

"Last I checked, this is my house and you were supposed to be leaving."

Xion stared at him, mouth agape. "He needs a doctor. If you don't let me take him, then I'll just call the paramedics to come get him."

"Xion… please…" Axel heaved. "I'm… okay…"

"No, Axel, you're not okay," she crooned softly. "You're in a lot of pain, we can tell. Let us help you."

Roxas felt heavy in his chest. If there was a sure chance to save Axel, he would do everything he could to give him that chance, but if it was futile, then why subject him to the very thing he'd been trying to avoid from the beginning. Death was final, Roxas knew this, but deep in his mind, he believed in reincarnation, in being born anew like a phoenix from the ashes. It was a romantic concept, and it gave him solace for both Sora's and his own death, whenever that may be, and now it gave him a comfort for Axel's impending demise. In a way, Roxas was envious. It was a chance of rebirth, of a fresh start, of beginning again, in a different body, in a different time, but with same heart that beats in sync with your past lives'. Looking back down at Axel, his body withering, Roxas figured it would be selfish to try to save him now.

"Roxas, please," Xion pleaded, her anger dissipated. "I love him too much to just leave him like this. I failed him before, but I can't fail him again. Please."

"Xi…" Axel tried. "Xion…"

She bent down to be at eye-level with him and he reached a trembling hand towards her, which she grabbed in her own and held to her chest. "What is it, Axel?"

"It's… okay… You… You can go home… You didn't fail …"

Tears welled in her blue eyes. "You're such an asshole, Axel," she sniffled. "Why do you have to die like this?" When he didn't respond, she started to sob. "You're not supposed to die like this, you're supposed to live until you're old, remember? You're supposed to show up to our high school reunion in twenty years and laugh at all our classmates that got fat. You're supposed to become the guy who takes care of the manatees at Sea World, like you always wanted. You're supposed to get that cat your dad never let you have."

Roxas felt awkward, his finger wet, supporting Axel's head in his lap while Xion was having a moment with him. He wanted to comfort her, but he didn't know how. Maybe she didn't even want to be comforted. He remembered all the comfort people tried to give him at Sora's funeral and how it felt so shallow, so forced. Sometimes people just have to lick their own wounds for it to heal.

Xion lingered. Her flight was soon, and she was having conflicting feelings about staying or going. Axel was her best friend, she didn't want to see him die. But she didn't want him to suffer, either. She knew how Axel had to witness his mom being kept barely alive, she knew he'd be peaceful in death. But she wouldn't be. She knew she couldn't live with herself if she just walked away, leaving Axel's existence in the hands of some kid he barely knew. Pacing the small area between the couch and the kitchen, she chewed on her fingernails, watching Roxas running his fingers through Axel's hair.

"You're going to miss your flight," Roxas idly mentioned. "You're welcome to stay here, if that's what you want to do. You should decide sooner than later, though."

"I don't want to see him like this," she said, her voice soft and barely above a whisper. "This isn't him. The real Axel already died, didn't he? This is just a husk. He'll never go back to how he was before."

"No," he responded, his shoulders slumping, "I don't think he will."

"Why do you like him anyway? I mean, yeah, he's charismatic and funny, but I mean, you knew he was dying from the get-go, why get involved?"

"Because he liked me for me. Likes me," he corrected himself upon catching his choice of tense. "He gave me a reason to… I dunno… To exist. For the longest time, I didn't know why I was here in this world, I felt like I had no purpose, and maybe I don't, but, this past month he gave me a purpose. He saved me, in a way. And… And I can't save him. I can't save anyone."

Xion looked down at the discolored tattered carpet. "You don't know if you don't try."

Axel's skin looked pale, almost grayish, like the color and life was getting sucked out of him. His hair was stringy and flat, matted by sweat. He wouldn't open his eyes, but Roxas imagine they'd look dull, too. Humans are rarely beautiful in death, especially when you watch them slowly lose control over themselves, over their bodies. Rotting from the inside. Axel breathed slowly, desperate and deliberately. Roxas wondered when his last breath would come. And when it did, what would he do?

He thought about Sora, crushed in the car. Deep down, he knew it had been hopeless to try and save him, but that didn't stop him. He didn't want to lose Sora then and he didn't want to lose Axel now. But what could he do? He couldn't root out the cancer and mend a body that was so intent on destroying itself the same way he couldn't pull apart a car and put his brother back together.

"I'm going," Xion said finally. "You're right. You can't save him. I can't save him. No one can save him. He's already dead."

Roxas didn't say anything.

"You're not a bad guy, Roxas. I'm sorry I was harsh. You made Axel very happy. He talked about you non-stop, since the day we met you, y'know. He was crushed when he was too sick to hang out with you over that weekend."

"He was sick that weekend?"

"Yeah. Incredibly sick. But even then, he couldn't stop talking about the cute blond boy who worked at the ice cream parlor." She sounded a little annoyed and bitter.

"You love him a lot, don't you?"

"I love him, yes, but not in the way you think. The same way he saved you, he also saved me. He's got a gift of making people feel like they're worth something."

Roxas wanted to know more about their relationship but stopped himself from questioning further. He knew it wasn't his business.

"I'll call a cab to the airport. I don't know who legally owns the R.V. after his heart stops beating but I suppose you can deal with that, yeah?"

"Sure," he responded without really thinking about it.

"It was nice meeting you Roxas. Make sure Axel has a smooth ride to heaven, okay?"

* * *

Roxas's tired eyes fluttered open. It took him a few seconds to process his surrounding and remember where he was. He had fallen asleep on the floor in front of the couch where he had set up a couple pillows and a blanket. With a yawn, he sat up, stretched his arms out, and popped his back before craning his neck over towards the clock on the oven so he could see what time it was.

"Sleep well?" A familiar velvety voice asked him.

Roxas startled and looked up on the couch where Axel was sitting up, looking more lively and healthy than he had ever seen him. A lamp on the side table casted a warm glow on his face, making him look almost ethereal. He gave his token smirk and Roxas's heart nearly combusted.

"Axel," he said, his voice full of relief and childlike wonder. "You're okay. You're awake."

"Of course, it takes a lot more than lame-ass cancer to bring down the great and legendary Axel. Especially when I won't have you to keep me company in the afterlife."

Roxas smiled so large that the muscles in his face hurt. His eyes welled with tears that he couldn't stop from pouring over. He had never cried from happiness before. "Axel, I was so worried that I'd lost you. You have no idea. I couldn't—"

Axel brought his finger to his lip to shush him and then crooked said finger to beckon him closer. Roxas gently stood and leaned over him before collapsing into his arms. Axel smelled like a summer day at the beach, like the ocean and hot sands and sea salt ice cream. He smelled like home. And Roxas wanted to stay embracing him forever.

Suddenly, there was frantic ringing, a cacophonous sound that tore through his eardrums. He looked up at Axel who seemed oblivious to it, and was instead smiling down at him. "What is that?" He asked, raising his voice to speak over it. "Can't you hear it?"

But Axel didn't say anything, just smiled. Unwavering, unblinking.

"Axel?" He tried again, desperately clinging to him. "Axel, are you okay? Talk to me! Axel!"

"Roxas," a different voice called out to him.

He pulled away from Axel and frantically glanced around the room, his mind muddled. "S-Sora? Is that you?"

The ringing continued.

Roxas quickly shot up, his neck pierced with a sharp pain that made him recoil. His eyes were wet and his heart pounded like he had just run a marathon. He was still on the floor by the couch, but instead of a seraphic healthy Axel atop it, there was just a lump underneath layers of blankets that was signaled as living by only shallow breaths. The ringing was his landline, which continued to trill, so he reluctantly got up to see who would be calling him that late at night. He cleared his dry throat and picked up the phone. "Hello?" He spoke into it with a raspy voice.

"Hey." It was Riku.

"Yes? Can I help you?"

"I can't call to chat? I haven't heard from you in a while and you've been ignoring my calls. I'm actually surprised you answered this time."

"I've been busy," he quipped. "Still am."

"With your boyfriend?"

Roxas stared hard at the wall.

"It's okay. I'm not mad. We're friends, you and I. Just because you're with someone doesn't mean we can't spend time together. I've been worried about you, Rox."

"How can you act so indifferent and calm when you're so fucked up in the head?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, Riku. You're a fucking psycho."

"And what does that make you, Roxas?"

"A victim."

There was an audible guffaw on the other end of the line. " _You're_ the victim? I'm pretty sure the real victim is a corpse in a mahogany box."

"See, you can't even talk to me without bringing up Sora. Maybe you should go talk to a professional instead of sleeping with your dead boyfriend's brother. Oh, and go fuck yourself. Stop calling me."

"You'll regret this, Roxas."

"No, I think this will be the best decision I've ever made." And then he slammed the receiver back onto the base. His heart beating wildly, he slunk down to the floor. Over on the couch, he heard some groans and picked himself up so he could go check on Axel.

"R…o…xas..."

"Yes, Axel? Are in you in pain? Can I do anything for you?"

"…Phone…"

"It was nobody important." He placed his hand flat against Axel's cheekbone, caressing him softly. "Don't worry about it."

"Xion… gone?"

"Yeah, she left a few hours ago. I don't think she wanted to, though."

"Hurts… everything… hurts…

"Don't stick around on account of me. I hate seeing you in agony."

"I… love… you…"

"I love you too, Axel." He bent down and pressed his lips against his clammy forehead. "You've made me a better person."

Axel's lips quavered into a small smile. "One… last thing… before…"

"Anything for you."

"The… beach…"

"You want to go to the beach? It's late. There's no sun."

"Sun… is right… here… bright… warm…"

Roxas's chest tensed. "Okay," he said, "let's go to the beach."

* * *

Getting Axel out of the apartment wasn't that difficult. Roxas swaddled him in blankets and carried him out bridal-style. He was light enough to carry around without much issue, the only thing proving problematic were his gangly limbs that hung lifelessly. He had already opened up the door to the backseat of the R.V., so he climbed in, careful to not whack against anything, and gently laid Axel onto the mattress in the back. He wasn't speaking anymore and instead reverted to his catatonic state, and already Roxas craved to hear him once more, fearful those words were his last.

When Roxas got into the driver's seat, he encountered the main issue, which was his complete fear of driving. He hadn't driven since the accident, almost a year ago. And he didn't ever want to drive again. He pushed the keys into the ignition and tried to start the van, but the engine wouldn't turn over. 'Maybe this is a sign,' he thought, with the intention of giving up and going back into the apartment. But then he glanced back at Axel and knew he couldn't deny him his request.

"I can do this," he exhaled.

He tried to start the R.V. again, but it just sputtered out. So he tried again, and again, until it revved and idled roughly. He gripped the steering wheel with both hands, watching his knuckles turn white from the force. The events of the day of the accident played back in his mind and he actively fought to disregard them. He had to do this. He had to.

With a deep breath, he began to drive to the beach slowly, both out of lack of confidence and in interest of not knocking around Axel. The streets were calm and quiet, the lights bright, only a few other cars shared the road with him. He manually cranked down the window at a stoplight and could smell the salt of the ocean in the air, bringing back a flood of memories spanning from his childhood up until the last time he and Axel had gone to the beach, which had been a few more times since Roxas quit working at Mr. Swirl's.

He pulled into one of the many beach entrances that littered the Atlantic coast. It was an empty parking lot nestled between two large hotels, and even though you weren't supposed to loiter around the beach after a certain time, he parked parallel to the sandy path to the shore, which wasn't a parking spot but he figured no one would be around to care. He hopped down from the cab, relieved to be on solid ground. He walked around to the back and opened it up so he could scoop Axel into his arms. If anyone had been looking down from the windows of the hotel suites, it would've definitely looked like he was unloading a corpse. And he supposed, in a way, he kind of was.

Walking on the sand was no easy feat. Much of it spilled into his sneakers as he walked towards the dark water. Once he was just barely out of reach of the tide, he gently set Axel down, making sure only his blanket made contact with the sand.

"We're here," he told him, slightly out of breath. "We're at the beach. Can you hear the waves?"

Of course, he didn't respond. But Roxas didn't care. He kept talking.

"I haven't been to the beach at night in a while. I forgot how calm it is. Like a separate plane of existence." He sat down next to Axel's head and caressed his limp red hair. "The moon looks nice. It's not full, but it's still pretty. I wonder if Xion made it home yet, or is she still in a plane, looking at the moon too. She said you saved her, you know. It makes me feel less special, but that's selfish of me, isn't it?" Roxas sighed, pulling his knees to his chest. "You were right, Axel. Life _is_ fuckin' precious. And yet here I was, working at a job I hate for minimum wage, sleeping on my couch, letting Riku hate-fuck me, content to continue this existence like it was some sort of divine retribution for killing Sora. But, I didn't kill him. It wasn't my fault. Maybe I could've—no… 'What-ifs are the bane of man'. You were right about that, too. Does cancer usually fill people with wisdom? Is that kind of introspect a side-effect of knowing you're going to die?" He looked back up at the moon, feeling the tears gather in his eyes. "You reminded me of what it's like to be happy. I don't want to forget that feeling ever again."

"Then don't," Axel responded meekly.

Roxas looked back at him, glad to hear even a semblance of cognizance. He smiled and then positioned himself so he could lay next to Axel and entwine their fingers. "Thank you, Axel. Thank you for falling in love with me."

Axel never said anything else. But as Roxas lay there looking up at the moon, he realized you don't have to die to be reborn anew. He had his whole life ahead of him, and he had to live it to its fullest.

For Axel, for Sora, and most importantly, for himself.

* * *

_My moon, oh my moon_  
_Not even into_  
_Another eternity  
_ _Will you stop your lovely orbiting_


End file.
